


gone at last

by ripdaichi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Funeral, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, Mentioned suicide, Please Don't Hate Me, Why Did I Write This?, bit angsty i guess, grammar probably sucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-19 04:22:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29744916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ripdaichi/pseuds/ripdaichi
Summary: Basically, when you decide to end it all but don't expect to witness your own funeral.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou & Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	gone at last

**Author's Note:**

> Yo, this is just a major triggerwarning for mentioned suicide, depression, and also anxiety kinda.  
> English isn't my first language and this is my first post here on Ao3 so please excuse any mistakes lol.

Kenma thought that it was kinda ironic how much the funeral depressed him. It hurt a way bigger deal than he imagined it to. 

Actually, Kenma didn‘t think that he would even be there to witness it. He killed himself to escape all this shit after all. 

But there he was, sitting in the last row of sad, little chairs. The row that was empty, of course.  
He didn‘t have many friends or close family members to begin with and Kenma didn‘t think his co-workers ever really acknowleged his presence. 

There was no one to blame, though, Kenma had kept to himself most of the time anyways. No point in getting acquainted with anybody if you‘re planning to end it all in a few months. 

The only downside to not having many people attend your funeral is that you can‘t pretend to not see the people you actually cared about when you were alive.

They all wore these black suits Kenma always hated.  
Well, he could excuse Akaashi. He was the guy who could simply wear anything if he wanted to. Awful, depressing, black suits included. He was pretty like that. Even now.  
He looked so composed, just like you would expect it from him. The only thing that was exposing him and his feelings were the dark shadows under his eyes. Poor Keiji, the anxiety was probably keeping him up these days.

Making it hard for his friends even while not existing anymore, huh? Guess Kenma didn‘t escape it after all.

Looking at Akaashi was hard, but it was probably a bit more bearable than seeing Bokuto‘s face.  
Ah.  
It physically hurt seeing the ever so hyped owl nerd clinging onto Keiji‘s hand for dear life, eyes tearing up every now and then. It physically hurt and Kenma didn‘t even have a physical form to call his own anymore.

You could see that Bokuto was trying to be strong. After all he was the one who spent the least amount of time with Kenma, always careful to not disturb him with his loud personality. 

He shouldn‘t be the one crying when his pain was probably the smallest, right? It wouldn‘t be fair to Keiji or Kuroo, he didn‘t wanna make it about him.

Kenma couldn‘t help but notice how wrong the suit looked on Bokuto. It just felt so out of character. 

Kenma just wished that they had ditched the formal funeral attire and attended in gym clothes or something like that.  
Maybe it would have been the best if they hadn‘t attended at all. It would have made Kenma‘s passing a bit easier, if he didn‘t have to see his friends at all.

Kenma had avoided looking at Kuroo for the most part. He knew that if he would, he would regret what he had done. 

Kuroo was really good at making Kenma regret things. It was the not-mad-but-dissappointed look in his eyes.  
Kuroo always looked at him like that when he ate the last pudding in the middle of the night without saying anything.  
Or when he missed date night because he was so preoccupied with some new game.  
Or when he snapped at him, because everything just seemed so hopeless and he wanted it all to end and the meds and the therapy didn‘t help.

Kuroo never lashed out at him, no matter how fucking annoying and unfair Kenma was being. Kuroo always made sure to help Kenma out, eventhough you could see how much it was ripping Kuroo apart day by day. 

Kenma had believed that he would make it easier on Kuroo if he simply dissappeared, ceased to exist. Loving someone with an unstable mind wasn‘t easy. He had no idea how Kuroo did it.

He had really thought that getting out of his life would be the best for him, for everyone really. Kenma knew that he was a burden to his friends and he hated it.

He hated seeing them standing there.

Kuroo‘s face was empty. He didn‘t seem like he was really present. 

Akaashi and Bokuto were trying to give him space. You could see how hard it was for Bokuto, to for the first time not be able to comfort his best friend.  
Oh, yeah, there he was choking up again. 

He was trying to be quiet, not let anybody see, but Akaashi noticed anyways like the perceptive boyfriend he was. He scooped the big guy up in his slender arms, softly hushing him while Bokuto just started to break down, deflating in Akaashi‘s embrace.

Hearing the whole thing go down, finally broke Kuroo. A silent whimper escaped him, before he put a hand to his mouth, tears streaming down his face.

It was rare to see him cry. He was the strong one. He was the one who comforted rather than the one who would seek it out himself.

God, Kenma hated it so much. He hated it so fucking much. He hated himself for hurting the people he loved so much.

-

The rest of the funeral was a blur. Some people came, gave their condolences, left again. The flowers started to pile up on his casket. He didn‘t know that so many people actually felt compelled to come, just to say good bye one last time.

It was more depressing than he thought it would be. 

At least he didn‘t have to see Kuroo or Akaashi or Bokuto anymore. They had left when Kuroo snapped at Bokuto, making him cry again, which apparently just pissed Kuroo off even more. 

It had made Akaashi upset, so he pulled Bokuto out of the funeral service, leaving Kuroo.

Kuroo had left not soon after. It was the last time Kenma saw his friends together. 

Stuff started fading after that.

It was time for Kenma to finally leave the world, he had grown to hate so much over the years, behind. Maybe he was glad that he didn‘t have to stick around any longer.  
Maybe it would be better this way. Maybe he would then finally be free from the weight of his crushing thoughts.

Maybe he wouldn‘t regret it as much anymore.


End file.
